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Are you at one with your computer, asks Nury Vittachi?

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Humans will soon start to physically merge with computers, technology guru Ray Kurzweil said on TV. Soon? What’s he talking about? It’s been happening at my apartment for years. All three of my kids have become one with their gadgets.

My son’s right hand was replaced by a Nintendo game thingy about six years ago. It’s no trouble. I’ve seen him do all sorts of two-handed activities perfectly well with his current limb arrangement, although I have stopped asking him to give me head massages.

My daughters both have mobile phones where their right ears used to be.

All three have laptops permanently in front of them: I’ve forgotten what the lower halves of their faces look like. All three may have beards, for all I know.

Mr Kurzweil says that this process will accelerate to a point at which life itself will become fully digitised and humans will “control their own realities” using computer-style commands. He calls that moment “the singularity” and predicts it will happen soon.

I can’t wait. I plan to have a keypad built into my left forearm. Here’s how it will work.

PARENTING AFTER THE SINGULARITY

When you want to leave a building, you just press Exit.

To get back to your apartment, press Control / Home.

Want to go shopping? Simply find a shelf of stuff you like and press Select/ All. (My wife kind of already does this.)

What about work? To get an assistant to do it all for you, press Open Task Manager.

If you say something stupid, press Undo or Control-Z.

If you are regularly accused of saying the wrong thing (for example, if you’re a married man), select a time from a drop-down menu, say, two hours ago, and press System Restore.

Is an annoying person spoiling your life? Go to Control Panel and click the tab that says Add/ Remove. Scroll down and Uninstall all the people you don’t like.

Lost your keys or something similar? Click Control-F and type the name of the object you want to find.

Fed up of wearing unfashionable clothes? Tick the box to Enable Automatic Update and keep your wardrobe regularly refreshed.

Getting old and wrinkly? No problem. Set the display resolution to a lower number of pixels per virtual reality centimetre so worry lines vanish. Or Photoshop your entire head.

Feel that life is getting all too much for you? To suspend the present existence, press Escape. The go to the Start menu, click Hibernate or Sleep. Everything will stop for as long as you like. You can restart your life just where you left off whenever you feel ready to.

And what if you mess up your whole life? No problem. Press Format: C to go back to the beginning and be born again. No need to feel ashamed that you didn’t get it right the first time.

As the Bible says,

“No man shall enter the kingdom of heaven unless he is rebooted.”

(That‘s the revised version.)

So, as I say, bring on the singularity. We need it.

Anyway, I see I am out of space, so it’s time to finish this column, or, as we computer people prefer to say, Shut Down.

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