Man, Oh Man

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Guys, don’t miss Nury Vittachi’s advice on how NOT to impress a woman.

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A useful tip: Husbands, end every sentence you speak to your wife with “but I could be wrong”. This saves time, since you probably are. Example: “Good morning! But I could be wrong!”

That thought was inspired by a news item I just read.

A man robbed a bank and then threw some of the money over singer Taylor Swift’s fence “to impress her”. More evidence that men have NO IDEA how women think. The guy, Bruce Rowley, was arrested as he left Taylor Swift’s home in Rhode Island a few days before I wrote this column.

Bruce, you do NOT impress wealthy women by throwing cash over the fences of their mansions. You throw property deeds, credit cards and in your case, I think vasectomy papers would be essential.

It reminded me of a case where a young man in India stole a train for his girlfriend. Ketan Kumar, 24, thought his beloved would be pleased to be presented with the 8.20pm express to Amrapali. Sadly for him, both girlfriend and police were significantly unimpressed.

Ketan, buddy, you need to know more about how girls think. Big, ugly steaming lump of metal? Great for guys. But for girls? No. Just no.

A colleague, hearing about this column’s topic, forwarded me a news video from Chechnya, Russia, earlier this year. It shows a five-year-old boy walking down the street hand in hand with his girlfriend. He swiftly breaks into a car and turns on the engine to show off. The five-year-old girl, way smarter than her companion, swiftly backs away while he drives off, pursued by adults.

This all adds to the tons of evidence that males are born thinking women are impressed by extreme stupidity and immorality, and it takes us years — let’s be honest, decades — to realise this may not be the case.

Young males should take advice from fathers of girls, who are forced to learn something about the young female brain. For example, I now know that fathering a daughter means pretending you’re thrilled when they spend half your salary having an eighth of an inch cut off their hair.

The tricky thing is that they don’t tell you whether they’ve had an invisible haircut, their eyebrows plucked or a complete head transplant, but just burst through the door saying: “Well, Dad, what do you think?” You MUST reply: “It looks great” and then leave the country before there are any follow-up questions.

In fact, when a young woman asks her father for his opinion on any matter, what she is really saying is: “I wish to hear my opinion repeated in a deeper voice.”

Stop press: A colleague forwards another example. On April 24, several media reported that a man named Zach Doell decided to pick up his girlfriend from the University of Louisiana, United States, in a different funny vehicle every day, including the Batmobile, a car that looked like a giant hot dog, and an ice cream van.

He thought this was highly impressive. His, er, thrilled girlfriend Brianna Garcia told the media it was “embarrassing”.

So there you have it. It is this columnist’s fervent hope that this information will help young men and young women understand each other and communicate better.

But I could be wrong.

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